It was at a funeral, which is what made him notice it.
He was standing at the back of the hall with a tray, because that is what he does, and the family were being looked after and everything was running and nobody had to think about anything, which is the whole point and he is good at it.
And a man came past him carrying nothing and did not look up, and something in him said: he has never once done this for anybody.
It arrived like a fact. It was not spite and there was no heat in it. It was an entry in a ledger, made automatically, at a funeral, while he was holding a tray.
He has been keeping the count for about two years. He is fairly sure it started after a bad winter when he was doing a great deal and nobody came.
He would tell you, and he would be honest about it, that the count is accurate. It is. He knows which four people have ever turned up for him and he could tell you what they did.
That is the trouble with it. It is not a resentment he could argue himself out of. It is arithmetic, and it is correct, and it was running at a funeral.
If you have a count like that, you know exactly what I mean.
The basin, and what did not come with it
Let me put the scene in front of you, because there is a detail in it that most people miss.
He took a towel and a basin and washed the feet of twelve men. One of them was going to sell Him before morning and He knew it and washed his feet anyway. Another was going to deny Him three times before it got light.
And then He said this.
If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet.John 13:14
Look at what does not come with the basin. There is no accounting. He does not say wash the feet of the ones who will wash yours. He does not sort the twelve by who is going to be loyal, and He had the information to do it and used it for nothing.
The basin came without a ledger, and He knew exactly what it was going to cost Him, and there is no version of that night where He gets it back.
You have a basin that was handed over with no accounting attached, and the accounting was never part of it. That is not my encouragement. It is written in John 13:14, and it is the Holy Spirit and not my sentence who carries a written line past a man's ears into the place where he actually lives.
So the count has not been discernment. You have been serving out of something that never came with a return, and the not returning is not a debt anybody owes you. The word settled that before you picked up your first tray, and the same Spirit who inspired it is in the hall while you read this.
Where the count came from
Here is worth being gentle about, because you know when it started and you have never once been honest with anybody about it.
It started after the bad winter, when you were doing a great deal and nobody came.
That is not a small thing and this page is not going to treat it as one. You were on your own in a hard season and the people you had served did not appear, and you noticed, and anybody would.
The count is what grew in that gap. It was not envy or spite; it was a man doing arithmetic to work out what he could expect, which is exactly what a person does after being surprised badly once.
And here is the trouble with it, and you can see it more clearly than I can: the count is accurate and it is doing you no good at all. It ran at a funeral. It will run at the next one. Accurate is not the same as useful, and an arithmetic that runs while you are holding a tray is going to run for the rest of your life unless something stops it.
You have permission to close the ledger without pretending the winter did not happen, and closing it takes nothing away from what was true. John 13 shows a basin picked up with full knowledge of who was in the room; His Spirit is the one who makes a man able to serve without running the numbers underneath it.
One plain word, because a page cannot see the room you are in. If part of what happened in that winter was somebody near you making sure you were on your own, nothing here is asking you to absorb that. Reaching for help is not a failure of humility, and in the United States 988 answers by call or text at any hour.
God gives grace to the lowly, and He is giving it to you today.
Not once you have stopped counting. Not when you have forgiven everybody properly and feel warm about the man who walked past you carrying nothing. Today, with the count accurate and the winter still true.
You have grace lying in the low place, and it was there in the bad winter when nobody came. John 13:14 settled what the basin came with long before you were born, and the Holy Spirit is holding it steady in you while you read the line.
And notice what is not here. Nobody is grading you and nothing on this page tells you to serve more or to serve harder, and nothing promises that people will start turning up for you, or that a season is coming when the ledger balances. Those are promises nobody is authorized to make.
The low place is a place with grace already in it. That is the whole claim, and it holds on a day when the count is still running.
What He does with today is His to decide, in His own way. Your part is one small thing. His part is what He builds on it.
Declare this over yourself
Christ is in you and you are in Him, and that is the ground under these words rather than any tray you have ever carried. What He does with today is His to decide, in His own way and at His own pace. John 13:14 is the word underneath this, and His Spirit is the one who settles a spoken correction in a man whose arithmetic ran at a funeral.
- Count I have been keeping of who owes me, you are closed and you are not reopening. Scripture has Him picking up a basin with twelve men in the room, one of whom was selling Him before morning, and He had the information and used it for nothing. The basin came with no accounting attached and the accounting was never part of it.
- Fear that closing the ledger means pretending the winter did not happen, you are dismissed in the name of Jesus. I will always know exactly who came, and I am not going to run the rest of my life with it. Take your hand off my tray.
- Lord, You washed the feet of the man who was going to deny You before it got light. I am doing one small thing today for somebody on the wrong side of my count and telling nobody. The basin is Yours to hand over, the doing is mine, and the numbers are not running today.
John 13:14
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